How to Have GREAT SEX Consistently :)

Life is special. Sex should be too. 

Are you experiencing the best sex of your life now? 

If you are! Awesome! Keep up the good work!

But maybe you have gotten off the path a bit. 

When was the last time you had FANTASTIC sex? When was the last time you connected with your partner in a physical way that made TIME STOP? 

Has it been awhile? 

Are you feeling that your sex life is struggling a bit? Are your desires being completely met? What about your partner’s desires? 

Can you look your partner in the eye and say with full confidence that you have a great sex life together? 

And…very importantly: Have you reached your sexual potential? 

If any of this strikes a chord, you are in the right place.

And, know that you are NOT alone.

Many couples go through periods within their relationship where one or both is sexually frustrated. Or, where sex is put on the back burner of life. 

Newsweek estimates that 15-20% of married couples are in a sexless marriage. In 2009, The New York Times reported that around 15% of married couples hadn’t had sex in the past 6 months to a year. 

This is a huge problem as it can lead to MAJOR tension and eventually…separation.

Even if you’re not heading in that direction, it is always a good idea to check in every once in a while to evaluate the health of your sex life. Your sex life is important!

Gals, life is short. Really short. And none of us want to look back at these times in our life with regret. As my spirit animal, the singer Regina Spektor says, “Today we’re younger than we’re ever gonna be.” How true.

DO NOT SETTLE FOR MEDIOCRE SEX.

“DO NOT SETTLE FOR MEDIOCRE SEX.”

The good news is we can take our sex life into our own hands. Is that a bad pun?

We are worth it! Our partner is worth it. Our relationship is worth it. Our one time on this earth…is worth it! 

There is a reason that we are made to have orgasms, to connect physically and emotionally. IT FEELS GOOD! 

Great sex solidifies a relationship. It makes you feel connected to your partner in ways that conversation and snuggling watching Netflex just can’t.

Let’s Dive In!

First, it’s probably not your fault.

The reason sex is such a common issue in relationships is because many of us have not had a proper education on sex. Growing up, most of us had a sex education class and a few conversations with an adult about sex.  Unfortunately, most of these probably focused on how “dangerous” sex was and how careful you have to be.

This very typical “education” explored pregnancy, STDs and sexual boundaries. Obviously these talks need to occur, but oftentimes we miss talking about sex in a positive light when we begin engaging in “sex talks.” 

Did anyone sit you down and tell you that sex can be extremely pleasurable? That it’s awesome and a wonderful way to connect with another human being? Did they tell you that orgasms feel great? 

Did anyone explain that YOU are the person that is solely responsible for the health of your sex life? That relationships that don’t have a healthy sex life are extremely vulnerable? 

Did anyone make sure that you understood that a healthy sex life should be a life goal? Like owning a home, starting a family…

“Did anyone make sure that you understood that a healthy sex life should be a life goal? Like owning a home, starting a family…”

Probably not.

You had to learn about sex from crappy sex education classes, a few Cosmo articles and reruns of Dawson’s Creek. 

But it is not too late! And…you’re here now :)

I want to take a minute to let you know that you are the right person for the job. You are totally capable of shifting gears and driving you and your partner to sex paradise. 

Maybe your partner has been the one “driving the sex life” as of late. One person in the relationship seems to initiate, to suggest (which is very common)…well…maybe it is YOUR turn.

And even if both partners are suggesting sex equally, you can still up your game! 

Are you uncomfortable taking the reins? What if I told you that you are a sex goddess and were literally MADE to do this?

If you are a woman, you are so FREAKIN lucky.

No really. Do you know that unlike our male counterparts, we have the only organ built with the sole purpose of pleasure? Hello, clitoris. Men and women have different pleasure points on the body, but they serve other purposes, such as reproduction. Our clitoris serves one purpose: pleasure. We are all goddesses!

If you’ve read this far, there has to be a part of you that recognizes this within yourself. You are a goddess waiting to be revealed. The time is NOW, you beautiful woman! 

So here is how:

1.)    Identify Your Physical Blocks

Let’s face it, we all have insecurities. Sometimes they may feel overwhelming, sometimes we may be able to silence them a bit more, but no one feels 100% confident 100% of the time. 

We read articles that tell us to “be confident” or “embrace our body” to have the best sex of your life. Well, I’ll move right along to the article on the clothes I can’t afford, because the reality is that I don’t feel COMPLETELY confident 100% of the time. 

I don’t think many of us do. Why? Because we all have insecurities. I have cellulite, I’m not as toned as I used to be and my belly button looks a bit weird after having two kids. Oh, and I have a weird thumb (really weird,but that doesn’t really play in here). 

Admittedly, after having two kids, I didn’t feel my sexiest. My husband would tell me, “You are hot. Get over here.” And even though I sort of believed him, I just couldn’t feel it.

I knew it was time for me to identify MY blocks and address them head on. 

So, I ask you: What are your blocks and how are they impacting your sex life?

Are you uncomfortable with certain parts of your body? Does this make you avoid or become self-conscious in certain sex positions? Really explore this.

But know this: you don’t need to feel 100% confident 100% of the time to have an awesome sex life.

If that was the golden ticket to a great sex life, many of us would not be able to have one.

Yes, embracing our flaws is a beautiful thing. But, it is usually a journey. 

What are you going to do in the meantime? Wait to have sex? Avoid sex? For how long? How has that been working out for you? 

Let me offer a complete mindset shift for you:

We see confidence as the means to a great sex life. When in fact, sex is the means to great confidence. 

“We see confidence as the means to a great sex life. When in fact, sex is the means to great confidence. ”

I want you to think about that and really KNOW that. 

Great sex IS how you get confidence. You want to feel good about yourself? Go have some awesome, fulfilling sex.

So, what do we DO with those blocks? Just know them. You don’t really have to fix them. You can work on them and that will certainly serve you, but you don’t need to DO anything with them to start having great sex.

If it would make you feel better (as it does for me) to be in better shape, then start doing it! Life is too short! Granted, I didn’t join a gym but I have found ways to be more active that make me feel great in my body. 

Maybe your blocks are small things. For example, I need to shave my legs to feel my sexiest. My husband has told me countless times that he doesn’t care (and certainly I’ve had sex with prickly legs) but I feel…there’s the ticket…I feel…my sexiest when my skin feels like butter. 

So, big and small, identify your physical blocks. Then just know them. To know them is to own them. 

Is there anything you can do to lessen their burden on you?

Like my small block: I am acutely aware of the fact that if I’m preparing for the best sex session of my life (which we ALL should be) I know that I need to shave my damn legs. 

2.)    Communication is KEY!

Have you told your partner about your insecurities? Sometimes we don’t because we want to come across as totally secure or we believe that our partner will now ONLY see our flaws. That by telling our partner where we feel insecure, we are pointing these out and making them…bigger, more noticeable. So, we hide them. And in doing so, we hide ourselves.

This is your partner. They love you. 

Great intimacy begins in the mind. If you want to begin feeling connected to your partner, tell them about your insecurities. Ya know what they are going to do? They are going to tell you that you are beautiful, that they love your body. Why? Because they do.

I promise that if you sit down your partner and tell them that you want to talk about your sex life, they will listen. Tell them that you haven’t been feeling yourself lately. Or that you have just felt insecure for a long time. Tell them, tell them, tell them. Open up. 

Sex is about intimacy. You cannot have great sex without it. 

After you get that out, let them know that you want to use sex as a way to get your groove back. I’m sure you partner will be ecstatic to help you out!

This is when you get to tell your partner about what YOU want from sex. What do you currently love about sex? What turns you on? What turns you off? Be honest. Be open. If hair-pulling is not your jam-let your partner know!

What do you need that you’re not currently getting? Have you ever communicated this before? Do you need to remind them of something? 

After you tell them your needs. Ask them theirs. Be open. Listen. Do not allow yourself to get engaged in an argument or any type of battle. Remember that you’re on the same team!

3.)    Begin Your Own Sex Education

How much time have you really spent educating yourself on a healthy sex life? Now is the time to start. To the internet! Different techniques, different positions, different foreplay…a few minutes perusing the world wide web could make a huge difference for you TONIGHT.

Remember, you are driving this bus! Find a few positions and tell your partner about them. I’m sure they’ll be happy to figure them out with you. 

And, um, ladies…let’s talk about the clit. I mean…we’re knee deep already, so why stop there? 75% of women cannot orgasm from penetration alone. Remember how I told you that you are a sex goddess because you have a clitoris? Well, it’s 100% true. That thing was made for you to have great, pleasurable sex! Embrace it!

Show your partner how to make you feel good. Explore different ways! 

Don’t forget to ask your partner about their needs. A little internet perusing for their benefit will pay off greatly, too.

4.)    Connect Emotionally

Do you make a habit of telling your partner how sexy they are? We all need to do this more. IN and OUT of the bedroom. Find moments to connect with each other. A compliment can go a long way. Think about what makes you wild for that person. What traits do you love about them? 

I’m a shoulder and back woman myself. My husband has a gorgeous back and shoulders. Honestly, I probably don’t tell him enough how that part of him drives me wild. 

Oftentimes, it’s not just physical attributes that can turn us on. Maybe it’s how they take care of the family. I find it really sexy that my husband takes care of all of our vehicles. Honestly. I never have to worry about my windshield wipers being crummy or anything like that. He’s also very handy and can fix things around our house. I find that hot. 

What do you find hot about your partner? Have you told them it turns you on? 

You should! We all should.

These little moments are a part of fore-foreplay. Did I just make that up? Probably not. Anyway, these little moments lead to connecting in bigger ways and those lead to great sex. You can’t have great sex with someone if you haven’t paid them a compliment about their butt in over a month.

5.)    Carve Out Time For Sex

I have two kids under the age of four. We all know life is busy. Unfortunately, we can sometimes put sex on the back burner. We find ways to say, “Not tonight, I’m tired.” 

I am no sex therapist, but I do think my husband could be one. He decided that every Friday night we are to carve out time after the kids go to bed to have sex. But we don’t just have sex. We connect. We dance. I’m gonna share our breakdown with you in a minute here…but hang on.

People think that great sex has to derive from spontaneity. That is just completely false. Great sex derives from taking the time to have great sex. That’s not to say you can’t have fun quickies or a fun romp born out of being in the hallway (cough, cough). 

That type of sex is great!

However, I cannot express enough the importance of carving out a specific time to connect with your partner and have sex. I’m talking giving yourself at the very least an hour and a half.

Most sex therapists believe that this one promise to each other can do wonders for fixing a damaged sex life. 

Find the time. Tell your partner that you are dedicating a night to sex once a week. And then, come up with a name for it so you can refer to it throughout the week. We call ours Friday Night Lights. And believe me, it’s our favorite night of the week :)

6.)    Create a Ritual

Our Friday Night Lights has a flow to it. But don’t misconstrue what I’m saying by that. We are spontaneous, we have fun, but we have adopted a certain flow to our evening..and its delicious :)

I suggest you and your partner (or you, for right now, since you’re driving this bus) do the same.

It can go something like this:

1.   Enjoy doing something together. Have a drink, a nice dinner, just visit for 20 minutes

2.    Pay each other some compliments, thank them for being your partner! Tell them why you love them!

3.)    Engage in some sort of physical touch. Dance or Massage. This can remain playful.

4.)    Make Out! Resist the urge to speed this up and move into intercourse. Just make out for awhile!

5.)    Now that you’ve done steps 1-4, you’re ready to have great sex. It will naturally happen as both of you will be geared up for it. While having sex, remain in tune. Connect with your hands and your voice. Tell your partner what feels good so they know! Tell them what you’re enjoying. Hold on to your partner, use your hands to caress and grab them.

6.)    When you’ve finished, hold each other for a bit. Soak it up.

After the kids go to bed, this is our general flow:

1.)    We turn on awesome music.

2.)    We have a drink together and chat for a bit.

3.)    We turn on music that makes us want to dance…fast, slow, etc. I love Spotify for this and have created a few different playlists that get us grooving :) Do this! Music is awesome.

Make it a full sensory experience. Play songs that make you feel connected: your wedding song, anything that speaks to you, then mix in some fun songs too. We will dance for up to an hour just in our kitchen. We often talk about how this is one of our favorite parts of the evening. 

4.)    We make out, dance, dance, make out. Repeat.

5.)    Then we have awesome sex cause we’ve done steps 1-4. We remain in tune, using our bodies, our minds, our intent to feel connected.

6.)    Then we hold each other and cuddle and talk about how we love Friday Night Lights.

*Sometimes a kiddo might wake up and we have to go help a kiddo get back to bed. We do. Then we pick up right where we left off.  No biggie. I should note that we are co-sleepers so we don’t do our Friday Night Lights in the bedroom. We start in the kitchen and move around the rest of the house. It’s kind of an adventure then :) 

** Don’t allow a kiddo waking up to deter your plans. Get back in the saddle!

PUT IT ALL TOGETHER:

Great sex is for everyone. It’s a birth right. If you’re utilizing these tools and along the way you feel yourself resisting the openness that is required for a great sex life, breathe into it. 

Let yourself be loved. If that mindset doesn’t work, show your partner how much you love them. Sometimes, simply focusing on them will allow you to relax and open up.

Know that sex is a lot like working out. You have to do it to see any benefit and the more you do it, the better at it you become.

Great sex is yours for the taking!

Have you struggled with sex? What tips can you share for having great sex today?