Why Moms Need Other Moms: The Importance of a Mom Village and How to Create Yours

In many ways, we are more connected than ever before. We can easily search for an old classmate to see how many kids they have and what their dog looks like. A simple scroll through our news feed can reveal that our best friend just got home from vacation; we can see through their pictures every place they went and what they did without ever talking to them.

Despite this convenient way to “connect” with others, people are longing for TRUE connection like never before. Quite frankly, we are part of a social experiment and the status quo is wreaking havoc across the globe. Especially for Moms.

A simple google search will take you down a dark road where “Mom-life” is depicted as stressful, demanding, confusing and...lonely. So much so that “Mom Loneliness” is now being researched and studied. In 2018, a UK survey of more than 2,000 mothers found that 90% of moms felt lonely and 54% felt like they had no friends after giving birth. Ladies, we are in an epidemic.

How did we get here?

How have so many Moms found themselves in this scary spot?

Feeling run down, stressed, misunderstood, inadequate and unheard or unseen?

Plain and simple: many Moms do not have a village.

Women were not meant to experience motherhood behind closed doors. Since women have roamed the earth, we have been biologically geared to mother right alongside other women. This village dynamic allowed women of all ages to spend hours of their day together. Whether they were preparing food, washing clothes in the river or tending to a loved one, women were mothering TOGETHER.

For one moment, imagine having three other women to help with the daily laundry, the dishes, dinner. To pick up your kiddo and reassure them when they got hurt while you happened to be busy on a phone call or taking a bath. Imagine having other women alongside you for hours every day to share the workload, to share tips, triumphs and struggles of motherhood as you laughed, cried, confessed and watched your children grow.

Perhaps you’ve experienced “the village” dynamic in your life. Oftentimes, this is when you brought your new baby home. If you were lucky, your own mother, perhaps an Aunt, your sister, or a friend stopped by periodically and helped you. Along with their willingness to do the dirty dishes and fold laundry, they brought a sense of calm and peace as they instinctively rocked your new little baby to sleep while you took the first shower you had in days. They told you to take your time and you did. Slowly, you put on your moisturizer and had a glorious minute to really feel your skin soak it up. You felt supported and refreshed.

Pretty nice, huh? Now imagine having that...every day! Not just for a couple of weeks after you transition to motherhood but for the rest of your life.

That was the norm...for thousands and thousands of years.

Only very recently in human history have we taken women out of this communal dynamic and placed them in their home to take on the daily life of motherhood behind closed doors. Today, more than ever, women are mothering alone.

This dynamic is not working.

Instead of turning to the wise women in your village when you’re struggling, you turn to Google. A quick internet search and suddenly you have information from 50 different strangers whom you’ve never met, much less know. It’s advice, but it’s very impersonal.

It’s simply not natural. And that is why Moms feel lonely. There is no substitute for having other women in our lives. Women that are walking the same path with us, and women that laid that path before us.

So what can we do?

1.) REDEFINE THE CONCEPT OF THE VILLAGE

Living in a commune sounds wonderful, but it simply isn’t realistic for most moms in today’s society. However, we can still have the sense of a village without meeting at the communal fire pit. The “village” simply provides the means for Moms to connect. It puts them in eachothers’ orbit. You can do that today in many different ways. It won’t look the same as it did thousands of years ago, but as long as you’re connecting with other women, you’re achieving the same results. Understand that a village can be made up of women from all walks of life and from all over. It’s about finding pockets in your life where you can connect with other Moms.

2.) CREATE YOUR VILLAGE

This sounds daunting. I know. For thousands of years, mothers simply inherited the village they were born into. No effort was needed, it was already waiting for them. Today, mothers have to create their village. It takes a bit of work, but the advantage we have over our ancestors is that we get to curate our village rather than simply inherit one. Whether you’re looking for an outdoorsy village to help inspire your adventurous side, or a crunchy village where you can brew kombucha and discuss co-sleeping, you can find and create that! If this is new for you, start small. You can begin to feel connected in meaningful ways by doing small things.

Here is how:

1.) Call Upon Other Moms You Already Know

Here is a challenge for you today. Do this today. Not tomorrow. Today. Text a friend of yours that you haven’t spoken to in awhile and schedule a future phone date THIS week to catch up.

We all have a few of those friends that we absolutely love but we aren’t very good about keeping in touch with. I’m very guilty of this-the worst. I have about four women in my life that live far away from me but I feel so darn connected to. We may talk to each other six times a year, but they fill my cup when we do connect.

If you have a friend that lives near you, text them TODAY and ask them to join you for dinner or simply dessert in the next week. Maybe go for a walk or get together for a play date. Get it on the calendar. I am so guilty of the “someday” mentality. Which means: it’s not going to happen. Don’t let yourself get away with saying, “We should get together someday.” Schedule it! Today. Get it on your calendar lest someday turns into never. If you have to leave a message or they have to call you back, follow-up. Don’t let it slip away. Your sisterhood matters.

2.) Call Upon Moms You May Not Know...YET.

Have you ever met someone and felt like you’ve always known them? You jive so well right from the start that it makes you giddy? Your new Mom friend is out there. You just need to find her. Check out your local library for mom meetup groups.This is also where social media can really be a great tool. There are many Mom groups on Facebook. I have had some great success with using Facebook or Instagram to curate a village. I joined a Mom Play-Date group a couple of years ago and met some incredible Moms through it. There is one Mom in particular that I feel I share a soul with, and I never would have connected with her if I hadn’t joined this group.

Having trouble finding a group? Create one on Facebook. It will take 20 minutes out of your life but I pinky swear promise that if you post it in community pages or invite some friends (those you know well and those you don’t) it will gain some traction. I started a local homeschooling group a year ago and it has 40 Moms in it today. Forty exemplary, creative, funny, warm and inspiring women. Two of them were mere acquaintances before I started the group, all the others were complete strangers.

Then guess what happened? Those moms saw this village begin to grow and saw its potential and invited Moms that they knew to join. Create a group that has a bit of a niche, a feel for the village you’re wanting to create. Whether it’s homeschooling, crafting, hiking, gardening, knitting...if you build it, they will come.

Also, do you kind of know a Mom but only in the Instagram world? You think she is great but have never reached out beyond a simple comment? Maybe she has a skill or hobby that you share? Or maybe you’ve been watching from the sidelines and would like to learn a new skill from her? Reach out! Ask to get together to share this hobby or ask her to give you a beginner’s crash course. It is natural for Moms to share their skills and wisdom with others. It feels good.

3.) Call Upon a Wise Woman

You know those women that blazed the trail for us? The women that have been gardening for decades while you just started two years ago? The women that have a knack for houseplants, watercoloring, decorating, baking, antiquing… Call upon them. I thank my lucky stars that I have women around me that are more than willing to share their talents and skills.

Like my Mama Bear. I am so darn lucky to call upon my Mom for everything. EVERYTHING.

I also call upon other women in my life that have wisdom to share. Earlier this week, I called upon my wise women to unpack gardening woes I was having and seek their advice. They were happy to share their insights and I learned so much from them in one conversation. Naturally, the conversation with one of these women took a turn to motherhood and I hung up the phone feeling inspired and empowered after she shared intimate stories of her years as a young mother. She found the light switch of my soul and turned it on for me.

Wise women are all around you. Call upon them.

4.) Answer the Calls of Other Women

This is important. Look around. Observe. Is there a friend or acquaintance that you know that is needing some space held for them? Moms can be reluctant to reach out, hence this entire post. Don’t wait for a Mom to text or call you. Reach out to them. Ask her specifically what you can do to take something off of her plate. Check in.

If you see a Mom doing something inspiring, speak their beauty into them. Let them know.

This goes for strangers, too. We’ve all witnessed a Mom in the store with a kiddo having a really hard time. Maybe you have been that Mom? Haven’t we all? What would it have done for you to not be stared at or ignored? What if another Mom walked right up to you, looked you in the eye and said, “Mom. I know how this feels and I just want to let you know that you’re amazing. There is no hood like Motherhood.”

When you pass a pregnant lady on the street, could you tell her she looks beautiful? When you are at the park and your children are playing together, ask that Mom if she has a favorite book to recommend. If she doesn’t recommend some trashy piece of garbage (kidding, sort of) ask for her number to reconvene at the park for another play date.

When we find these pockets to connect with other Moms, we soon realize that our village is all around us. It isn’t a series of homes lined up next to each other. It is comprised of MOMENTS where Moms connect. It’s a shared smile between two moms in a parking lot as they load up the groceries and kids. It’s a text sent to an old friend simply stating, “We need to catch up despite the 18 loads of laundry looking at me. I miss you. When can we chat tomorrow?” It’s a group of Moms meeting up to hike with their kids, only to begin sharing their daily struggles and triumphs with each step. These moments matter. They are building connections, and thus, our village.

When we share our motherhood, we fulfill a deep longing within ourselves…a tradition that has been woven into the very fibers of our being.

To mother…together.

Today, listen and honor this sacred bond. Call out. And don’t forget to answer.

Your village awaits.