How to Apologize to Our Children...and Why We Should!

Parenthood is not always rainbows and cupcakes. When we are stressed, overwhelmed, moody or triggered, we can find ourselves reacting to our kids in negative ways: escalating an already bad situation or hurting our child’s feelings.

Ironically, although most parents want to raise empathic children, we struggle apologizing to our own children even when we know we are wrong. We resist the apology, we justify our action or we simply move on with our day, ignoring our slip-up and the chance at reflection.

Many of us are uncomfortable (and not very good) with apologizing to our children. Yet every single parent will need to. If we do it the right way, it can benefit our relationship SO very much.

Stick with me, cause we are going to unpack a lot here.

WHY IS APOLOGIZING HARD?

It is always beneficial for parents to reflect on WHY we are reacting a certain way. Doing the right thing becomes easier when we recognize why we are responding a certain way to begin with. Getting to the root of a trigger can be the key to changing our response.

Most often, the resistance to apologize to our children is rooted in shame or fear.

Let’s unpack the shame aspect first:

1.). Oftentimes, the emotion or pattern we are in can take us back to our own childhood. If we were forced to apologize as children (future blog post on that) or were made to feel ashamed, being wrong and needing to apologize can be huge triggers. Taking the time to explore this can be transformative.

2.) We all want to be great parents. When we react in a way that we know is not “good”, we feel shame. We feel less than. We may internalize that we are a horrible parent, not good enough or unworthy. Yet, every parent is guilty of reacting in ways that make our stomach churn. Anyone claiming not to or pretending not to is a fraud.

Shame is no joke. Notice it. But we shouldn’t allow ourselves to be paralyzed by it or consumed by it. Instead, we can use it as a speed bump to allow ourselves to slow down. To pause. To reflect. To proceed differently.

Now let’s talk about fear:

1.) Raising children is a huge responsibility and we all want to put out into the world little Dalai Lama’s. Apologizing triggers fear as we see our admission/apology as a waving of the white flag. We give up. We are wrong. We fear that our children will no longer respect us and all will be lost. How can we possibly get them to listen to us if we admit that we are sometimes wrong?!

How do shame and fear manifest within us?

Our brain steps in to justify our reaction.

In less than a millisecond, we are explaining to our child that we yelled at them because THEY didn’t listen. That THEY made us do it. If they would have stopped interrupting us the first time, we wouldn’t have had to yell. Sound familiar?

Or, we lash out and then we go back to sending emails. We feel bad but what can be done now? After all, it’s over with and these emails need to be sent out. So, we move on...but we really don’t. There is this nagging feeling that lingers on.

We should not let shame or fear guide our parenting journey.

Ironically, apologizing is the antidote to all of this.

WHY IS APOLOGIZING IMPORTANT?

When we make a mistake, our children get to watch us remedy it. A huge opportunity is born out of our error.

Our children need to see us weather different emotions and challenges. As parents, we sometimes fall into the trap of believing that we need to protect our children from feeling any type of negative emotion. Yet, our children are human, too. They are going to feel angry, frustrated, irritated...

Our job is to show them how to navigate these feelings.

One of the best ways to do so is to acknowledge when we’ve been triggered and to apologize for our emotion getting the best of us. Shame feeds off of darkness and loneliness. When we take ownership, our shame shrinks.

Have you ever had someone give you a sincere, heartfelt apology? Isn’t it interesting how an apology can nurture the relationship? How it can make both people feel whole again? That is why apologizing works so well. The person who did something wrong owns up to it, acknowledges the other person’s feelings and promises to be better. Both parties feel seen and heard and the relationship can actually grow out of a challenging situation.

This works the same way with the parent/child relationship. Apologizing teaches our kids that:

Everyone makes mistakes.
We can remedy our mistakes.
We can earn someone’s respect and strengthen our relationship through apologizing.
There's no shame in apologizing.
When we apologize, both parties feel better.

HOW TO APOLOGIZE:

Okay. So now that we know why we hesitate to apologize and why it’s important to do so, we must unpack the right way to apologize. Yes. There is a right way.

1.) Make sure you are calm. If you need to go collect yourself in another room or outside before apologizing, do so. You can simply say, “I can feel myself getting worked up, so I need to step away and calm down. We will talk about what happened soon.” An apology can easily take a wrong turn if we are not in the right head space.

2.) Get down to your child’s level and look them softly in the eyes. This simple gesture puts us on the same plane as our child. It is less authoritative and dominating. Looking at our child with soft eyes is disarming and reestablishes connection. It makes apologizing much easier.

3.) Acknowledge your child’s feelings. Sometimes we can be dismissive of a child’s feelings because we try to place their feelings in the context of the adult world, which is unfair. Just because it’s not a big deal to us doesn’t mean it’s not a big deal to them. They don’t care about the fact that taxes are due. But yes, they do care that they didn’t get to wear their favorite shirt. That is their world. It behooves us to remember that.

I see that you are upset.

4.) Describe what happened, making sure that you point out how your actions caused them to feel a certain way. Be careful not to blame them and take full responsibility.

I yelled at you for not getting your pajamas on and that made you upset and sad. I was upset too, but I shouldn’t have yelled at you like that. Yelling never helps fix anything.

5.) This is one of my favorite tips: Say you’re sorry and then simply say, “ I wish I would have said/done...” This shows our children what is the best way to handle a situation even if we failed to do so.

I’m sorry. I wish I would have stayed calm and said, “Sweetie, you are having a hard time. Let’s both take a few breaths and then let’s talk about this. We can figure this out. We’re on the same team.”

6.) Explain that you’ll make the effort (and follow-through) to respond the way you wish you would have.

I’m going to work on not yelling and instead I will take some breaths, calm down and sit here and talk with you.

7.) If appropriate, ask them to help you solve the issue at hand. Kids love to problem solve. Most likely, they will come up with a creative way to address the situation. Work on this together, if need be. You might be surprised what they come up with!

For example, they might say, “I don’t like getting my pajamas on. Maybe you can stay in my room and sing a song to me while I get them on.”

8.) Don’t force it if there’s still more work to do, but ask if your child is ready to give you a hug. Give them the space to make that choice. If they give you a genuine yes, share a hug. If they’re not ready or you sense reluctance, you may need to flesh out some of their feelings a bit more. Or, they just may need a bit more time.

Apologizing is an art form. We should aim to apologize freely and often with no shame or fear attached. Modeling this for our children reaffirms that negative emotions are okay and equips them with how to handle such emotions.

There is true power in a thoughtful apology. How have you wielded it?